the beginning.

things on mind.
.why are me and my sister so different? shes so 'responsible' and 'hardworking' im 'lazy' and 'rude.' shes 'smart' and 'uses her time well' and 'saves her money.' i have 'potential' but i squander it, i 'waste my time' i have 'bad friends' i spend all my money. we were raised in the same household by the same parents.

.sometimes i get so frustrated with the people i know. mostly because i feel they don't understand me.
it goes back to this mantra that i find underlies all human relationships and interactions
everyone wants everyone else to be like what they themselves are

my mind.
.i feel so distracted at the moment.
all that i am... all that i dream of and have been and will be and the things that hurt me and what i want to be and what i want you to be and what i want and what i dont want and why i want it and why i dont want it and why i cant do what i want and when i want how i want and wanting and dreaming and sleeping and seeing and crying and knowing and typing and hiding and insecurity and sex and sex and love and love and love and boredom and school and
school
i have homework i have not completed. consider that sentence a dark cloud that hangs above my head 24-7 before i get off my lazy ass and actually do it. it took me the entire day to do a quarter of my visual communication drawings, and i still have english and art work left.

people.
.are talking to me on msn, including the boy i supposedly have a crush on. but i hate him right now because i hate him right now because i hate him for being who he is and im sick of the whole thing.
.are being ignored because im typing this.
on the train you can watch these black lines criss cross and merge and dance in the sky. i did that and my friend giggled and prodded me 'hey youre such a stoner i swear, what are you looking at?'
'those things are moving' i say

does anyone else watch these lines, because i think theyre pretty

i repeat myself alot. i repeat myself alot. i think i have the same thought patterns and assocations in my head.
.