social conditioning

last night -
- went to design conference at the arts center in the city. it was a mini conference for year 12 students looking to do design, it was better then average teen watching - all the art/design fags were out and about. saw some great outfits.

- read 'TOYBOY.'
basically written by a 40 year old women trying to be a man and realising she's not a man. oh der. i hope when im 40 im not going around screwing toyboys in the hope they will love me. like fuck, arent grown ups meant to be in fucking control of themselves by then? this woman has had 40 fucking years to get her act together but no, shes going around letting guys whip her and tie her up. and waiting for them to email back. where are all the novels about 40 year old women being wise, sure of themselves, and actually doing something with their lives? this book made me so angry. that said, the BDSM sex scenes were pretty steamy. that cheered me up. then i got angry again. you know why?

its just another one of those 'society myths.'

a list of horrible society myths which fuck people up and are totally untrue.
1. all grown ups are happy and know exactly what theyre doing.
2. hard work can get you anywhere (not true. luck is a major factor. and intelligence. beauty helps too. and particularly people skills. that can get you places.)
3. you will find the right man, marry him, and be happy forever more.

however, some 'society myths' encourage peoples behaviour positively and can create a good environment for us to live in, such as 'do not steal.'

i have such trouble trying to seperate what i feel ive been brainwashed to believe and what i actually do believe/need. so that is when i convince myself of things contrary to my true desire (which i question is ACTUALLY my desire or not?)

im not sure if 'society myth' is the right word for it and i think i need to go do alot of reading on anthropology and social conditioning. ill get back to you on this.

lust not love

last night my cousin came over and we watched four star on sbs... it was a really shit, not funny, un romantic french film, which was described as a 'romantic comedy.' the guy was ugly, nasty, immature, manipulative and temperamental, the girl was annoying, needy, stupid and insecure and we hated them both. also, their characters kept doing things that didnt make sense with the way their personalities were established. the dialogue was inane, the plot/premise was senseless and idiotic. the ending was horribly predictable. it was an utter waste of time and space. we ended up throwing pillows at the television and analysing my love/sex life instead.
the relationships i have with boys, including that of platonic friendship, are split into three camps:
1. utterly needy and dependent, willing to sacrifice all for me, totally obsessed (my last two ex boyfriends) and also really psychotic and anti social.. i was watching this show on ABC once, and this shrink was saying we sometimes put ourselves through the same traumatic experience in order to 'fix' it the second time around, if so, this was a classic case of that.
2. guys who only want sex.
3. guys who are my friends and may want to have sex with me but whom i will never have sex with. just because i utterly hate guys like that. and i get fooled again and again.
someone said in a facebook status update the other day 'guys fuck with girls but girls know guys are fucking with them and they fuck them back without them knowing so it makes girls worse'
well i suppose girls know guys may be literally fucking them around so why wouldnt they fuck them back just in case thats all the guy wants? is it? surely not all guys are that emotionally cold. surely they want someone to mother them and need them. or is it a rejection of another maternal relationship in their life? what about guys with no mothers? how does that affect their relationships, without a core model to follow (that of your parents relationship, which you may accept as normal but later realise it is, or otherwise realise it for what it is)...?

anyway, my current confusion over the guy i am shagging goes as thus: we started as friends, then we screwed. past experience with guys ive screwed usually means theyll start being cold to me or really sleazy and constantly want to continue screwing me. this guy, whoever, is still really nice, calls or talks to me on msn quite often about regular things, etc. i really liked him at one point and wanted him to be my boyfriend, etc. then questioned the notion of open relationships... then now i just dont know. i realise he doesnt fit into any of my previous relationships with boys.
he is not needy at all, he does not appear obsessive. hes very calm and laid back. other times, i feel he is distant because he doesnt ever pour out his heart or sound insecure. ever. my cousin pointed out he may just be shy. im too shy to ask the usual bold questions that i do. if i could ask him anything i wanted, i would ask him how he really felt about me, and what i meant to him. i dont want him to say the world and everything and be with me forever. but at least, i dont know, feel some sort of similar confusion. or care about me. it makes me want to be utterly nasty to him to see if he still wants to talk to be. or is he only being nice for sex? but i want sex too, so its confusing. i really dont know.

but last night, i had this dream. i dreamt we were at a party, and i was following him around, and he was ignoring me. he finally turned around and yelled at me 'what dyou want? i dont want you anymore! fuck off! cant you read?' and he pointed at his t shirt. on the side, there was a profile of two girls, the two girls he was currently shagging. i understood that i was no longer on his shirt. it summarised their interests and had their picture as well. i was disgusted with the way he seemed to like collecting art-fag like girls to fuck then throw away once he got sick of it. on the other side of the t shirt, there was his number and a rude paragraph saying 'i only want sex so if thats all you want, call this number.' and then the slogan 'lust, not love.' and then it said 'fuck off' and i knew the fuck off was for me. he glared at me and walked off, but i followed him some more. i saw him hook up with another girl.
then my dream changed and i was at school. my teachers were telling me i was going to get C's. i was crying.
at school i haven't got anything lower then an A this year.
its 1pm now. im seeing a friend at 2pm.
i still have to study for a bit.
over and out.

and so on and so on

my latest obsession is blogging, i can feel it in my bones already.
am not sleepy in the slightest, its 1:26am.

i love aggyness deyn? aggynes deyn?

Agyness Deyn

also her small breasts make me feel better about mine. i get quite self conscious sometimes, even though i tell myself that if this is about attraction then i don't want to attract people who will be attracted on the basis of my breast size... yeah, i just tell myself that.

on taxing
i've been shoplifting alot lately.apparently 90 percent of people never will because they believe its wrong.

heres some bits and pieces to explain why im doing it. i don't think its wrong because im brainwashed to think i need useless items that are produced for some small price then jacked up to benefit some insanely and unfairly rich person.

Within capitalism, most of us are either (1) alienated from our labour and hence dependent on the ruling classes for commodities as basic as food and clothing, (2) excluded from the division of labour, in which case we are likewise dependant on the State, or (3) performing unpaid and/or unrecognised labour and hence dependant on patriarchal relations for food, clothing, etcetera. In any case, our access to resources is severely limited by contemporary relations of domination. Shoplifting is a refusal of the exchange economy. It is a refusal to accept the capitalist system, in which workers have to buy back the products of their own labor at a profit to the owners of capital, who thus get them coming and going. Shoplifting says NO to all the objectionable features that have come to characterize the modern corporation. he shoplifter attacks the cynical mind control tactics of modern advertising. Faced with this kind of manipulation, the law-abiding consumer has two choices: either to come up with the money to purchase these products by selling his life away as a wage laborer, or to go without and possibly invite public ridicule as well as private frustration. The shoplifter creates a third choice of her own: she takes the products she has been conditioned to desire without paying for them, so the corporations themselves must pay for all of their propagandizing and mind control tactics. Shoplifting is the most effective protest against all these objectionable attributes of modern corporations because it is not merely theoretical—it is practical, it involves action. Shoplifting is more than a way to survive in the cutthroat competition of the "free market" and protest corporate injustices. The shoplifter makes do with an environment that has been conquered by capitalism and industry, where there is no longer a natural world from which to gather resources and everything has become private property, without accepting it or the absurd way of life it entails. She takes her life into her own hands by applying an ancient method to the problem of modern survival: she lives by urban hunting and gathering. resist selling labor protest corporate power I no longer have to worry about whether the pleasure I receive from the book I purchased was equal to the two hours of labor it cost me to be able to afford it. Shoplifting is a refusal of the exchange economy. It is a denial that people deserve to eat, live, and die based on how effectively they are able to exchange their labor and capital with others. It is a denial that a monetary value can be ascribed to everything, that having a piece of delicious chocolate in your mouth is worth exactly fifty cents

alice dellal is so spiff.
so.
my stockings already get torn of their own accord
i already wear too short ripped denim shorts
the bitch stole my look.

i got a green leather jacket.

im going to get a flanny. im all set now.




i mix this look with effie from skins cause shes just so fuckign sexy. fuckingfukingfuckingfufugng. basically she just wears alot of jewelry. and doesnt blink. thats her sexy.
people have different sexys!
okay, its 1:37am i need to go to sleep now

bisexuality among other things

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/

some fascinating insights into human sexuality!
i found the articles on open relationships and bisexuality particularly relevant to me and i agree with them whole heartedly

a few things that have stuck with me after briefly reading these articles:

Alternating bisexuals:

may have a relationship with a man, and then after that relationship ends, may choose a female partner for a subsequent relationship, and many go back to a male partner next.

Circumstantial bisexuals:

primarily heterosexual, but will choose same sex partners only in situations where they have no access to other-sex partners, such as when in jail, in the military, or in a gender-segregated school.

Concurrent relationship bisexuals:

have primary relationship with one gender only but have other casual or secondary relationships with people of another gender at the same time.

Conditional bisexuals:

either straight or gay/lesbian, but will switch to a relationship with another gender for financial or career gain or for a specific purpose, such as young straight males who become gay prostitutes or lesbians who get married to men in order to gain acceptance from family members or to have children.

Emotional bisexuals:

have intimate emotional relationships with both men and women, but only have sexual relationships with one gender.

Integrated bisexuals:

have more than one primary relationship at the same time, one with a man and one with a woman.

Exploratory bisexuals:

either straight or gay/lesbian, but have sex with another gender just to satisfy curiosity or "see what it's like."

Hedonistic bisexuals:

primarily straight or gay/lesbian but will sometimes have sex with another gender primarily for fun or purely sexual satisfaction.

Recreational bisexuals:

primarily heterosexual but engage in gay or lesbian sex only when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

Isolated bisexuals:

100% straight or gay/lesbian now but has had at one or more sexual experience with another gender in the past.

Latent bisexuals:

completely straight or gay lesbian in behavior but have strong desire for sex with another gender, but have never acted on it.

Motivational bisexuals:

straight women who have sex with other women only because a male partner insists on it to titillate him.

Transitional bisexuals:

temporarily identify as bisexual while in the process of moving from being straight to being gay or lesbian, or going from being gay or lesbian to being heterosexual.

Many of these people might not call themselves bisexual, but because they are attracted to and have relationships with both men and women, they are in fact bisexual.

New Core Belief #1: My partner loves me so much that (s)he trusts our relationship to expand and be enriched by experiencing even more love from others.

New Core Belief #2: My relationship is so solid and trusting that we can experience other relationships freely. My partner is so satisfied with me and our relationship that having other partners will not threaten the bond we enjoy.

New Core Belief #3: There is an abundance of love in the world and there is plenty for everyone. Loving more than one person is a choice that can exponentially expand my potential for giving and receiving love.

i would like to try an open relationship...