when i woke up could hear my grandpa making mumbly noises downstairs. he called my name a few times. i was kind of half asleep then half awake. it was ten o clock. no school today. had to decide: stay at home and watch movies, or go to the city? the door slammed, grandpa left.
had spent last night til late just looking at myspace profiles. felt sad. i dont know. i miss someone. i felt like a loser.
i feel like a loser.
on the bright side i watched cashback. which i really liked.
i left at about eleven thirty and got to brunswick st. the skyline was foggy and grey. i felt really depressed. i didnt even feel like stealing anything. was questioning the point of anything.
i went to an asian grocery and stole some japanese saki.
my skirt kept riding up so i had to kept pushing it down.
there was some sale happening, there were like cheap monday jeans, levis, sass and bide, for really cheap like 20-90 price range. i shoved some shorts down my jacket. there was a great bag but it was huge. i should have drank the saki and just stolen the bag because it was epic and i needed a bigger bag to go stealing with.
but i left because i felt really paranoid like people were staring at me, or through me, or something. some good stuff was tagged, but then i was questioning the point of having all this stuff. i was kind of sick of stealing. i was kind of sick of getting 'stuff.' i thought i had enough 'stuff.' my head was feeling a little light. i couldnt tell whether i was hot or cold. i got some kookai dress by shoving that down my coat too. ill probably wear it to formal.
so then i walked for a bit. the weather kept changing. i kept pulling my skirt down. i went to smith st. i was staring at everyone that walked past. i was in this strange starey mood. i wasnt really thinking anything much. i wasnt really going anywhere. i wandered into a few stores. everything was tagged. i didnt want anything. i went into a bookstore and got some art book. i thought of all the art books and magazines i had stolen over the past month. i hadnt even had a chance to look at them properly. i thought i might start staying home more and being productive. i cant decide whether to pursue a career in design or not.
i went and BOUGHT a grilled pork roll from some bakery. after i ate it i still felt light headed and bit sick. i realised i was thirsty.
i went and stole some ice tea from safeway. i shoved it down my sleeve. it beeped when i went out and they checked my bag. then i couldnt open it. i thought i felt sick maybe because i was dehydrated. there was a security guard at the ANZ bag. i asked him to open it. he cracked a joke about charging me and that i must be thirsty the way i guzzled my drink down. then he made a comment about my t shirt which had a comic on it. i thought it was nice of him to talk to me. but i was feeling kind of introverted and self conscious, so i smiled and nodded. he walked away and i felt sad, because sometimes when i feel social its nice to talk to strangers.
so i went home.
grandpa was standing outside my house for some reason. i dont know what he was doing. i think he is bored looking after me and my cousins while our parents are in europe. he chuckled when i greeted him by patting his back.
i put on the karaoke machine for him.
i thought i might start on my history revolutions notes. i couldnt be bothered learning about 1792.
i feel all sad.
i might go watch requiem for a dream.
i had accidently left my mobile home. i had 2 missed calls and one text. my friend had called me to hang out just as i got on the bus home. i felt sad about that. i would have liked some company. my friend called me on the home phone and we chatted for about half an hour about typical teenage stuff.
i still feel like shit, and a bit sore in places. i hate everyone and everything. i cant be bothered with homework. im going to go watch a movie. i cant be bothered cookign dinner. im pretty sure im going to lose weight by the time mum and dad get back.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
social conditioning
last night -
- went to design conference at the arts center in the city. it was a mini conference for year 12 students looking to do design, it was better then average teen watching - all the art/design fags were out and about. saw some great outfits.
- read 'TOYBOY.'
basically written by a 40 year old women trying to be a man and realising she's not a man. oh der. i hope when im 40 im not going around screwing toyboys in the hope they will love me. like fuck, arent grown ups meant to be in fucking control of themselves by then? this woman has had 40 fucking years to get her act together but no, shes going around letting guys whip her and tie her up. and waiting for them to email back. where are all the novels about 40 year old women being wise, sure of themselves, and actually doing something with their lives? this book made me so angry. that said, the BDSM sex scenes were pretty steamy. that cheered me up. then i got angry again. you know why?
its just another one of those 'society myths.'
a list of horrible society myths which fuck people up and are totally untrue.
1. all grown ups are happy and know exactly what theyre doing.
2. hard work can get you anywhere (not true. luck is a major factor. and intelligence. beauty helps too. and particularly people skills. that can get you places.)
3. you will find the right man, marry him, and be happy forever more.
however, some 'society myths' encourage peoples behaviour positively and can create a good environment for us to live in, such as 'do not steal.'
i have such trouble trying to seperate what i feel ive been brainwashed to believe and what i actually do believe/need. so that is when i convince myself of things contrary to my true desire (which i question is ACTUALLY my desire or not?)
im not sure if 'society myth' is the right word for it and i think i need to go do alot of reading on anthropology and social conditioning. ill get back to you on this.
- went to design conference at the arts center in the city. it was a mini conference for year 12 students looking to do design, it was better then average teen watching - all the art/design fags were out and about. saw some great outfits.
- read 'TOYBOY.'
basically written by a 40 year old women trying to be a man and realising she's not a man. oh der. i hope when im 40 im not going around screwing toyboys in the hope they will love me. like fuck, arent grown ups meant to be in fucking control of themselves by then? this woman has had 40 fucking years to get her act together but no, shes going around letting guys whip her and tie her up. and waiting for them to email back. where are all the novels about 40 year old women being wise, sure of themselves, and actually doing something with their lives? this book made me so angry. that said, the BDSM sex scenes were pretty steamy. that cheered me up. then i got angry again. you know why?
its just another one of those 'society myths.'
a list of horrible society myths which fuck people up and are totally untrue.
1. all grown ups are happy and know exactly what theyre doing.
2. hard work can get you anywhere (not true. luck is a major factor. and intelligence. beauty helps too. and particularly people skills. that can get you places.)
3. you will find the right man, marry him, and be happy forever more.
however, some 'society myths' encourage peoples behaviour positively and can create a good environment for us to live in, such as 'do not steal.'
i have such trouble trying to seperate what i feel ive been brainwashed to believe and what i actually do believe/need. so that is when i convince myself of things contrary to my true desire (which i question is ACTUALLY my desire or not?)
im not sure if 'society myth' is the right word for it and i think i need to go do alot of reading on anthropology and social conditioning. ill get back to you on this.
Monday, May 4, 2009
why are gobstoppers chewy now?
well yo. im fair disappointed, i passed by melbourne central coles and got:
- red bull
- v energy drink
- no doze
- black licorice
- gobstoppers
now remember gobstoppers back in the day? they were hard and took fucking ages to get to the inner layer, and each layer was a different colour, and we slip the gobstoppers out of our mouths and compare colours with sticky fingers. anyway, the packet says 'chewy' and theyre fucking chewy. its insane. im halfway through the packet already. what has the world come to.
i was in the food court at mc (as the cool kids abbrev it) and suddenly saw my 27 year old cousin. she immediately bought me sushi and sat me down then interrogated me without mercy. she now knows things about me even my own sister doesnt, which is kind of sad, but my bigger sister never bothered asking. anyway, there was some short fat guy with a moustache sitting next to us that also knows things about me most of my friends dont. so she gave me some wise advice about how people when theyre young just want to 'have fun' and fuck around and etc.
well im over having fuck, and funning around. at the time.
you know what? theres so many empty brick walls in my area. good old eastern suburbs. im going to draw something on a large piece of thin butcher paper tonight and pva it to a wall about 12 ish tonight, or maybe tommorow night. dont know who would do it with me, though.
what else?
i hate everyone.
i stole another shitload of books.
i always steal black socks, patterned stockings, candy and books. now i have alot of books and stockings. books to wear. stockings to read.
lately ive been getting into the whole t shirt thing. like t shirts with arty prints/comic strip/band t shirts. i used to wear singlets all the time but im really liking this t shirt thing.
im not missing my parents yet. i hope they have fun in europe.
- red bull
- v energy drink
- no doze
- black licorice
- gobstoppers
now remember gobstoppers back in the day? they were hard and took fucking ages to get to the inner layer, and each layer was a different colour, and we slip the gobstoppers out of our mouths and compare colours with sticky fingers. anyway, the packet says 'chewy' and theyre fucking chewy. its insane. im halfway through the packet already. what has the world come to.
i was in the food court at mc (as the cool kids abbrev it) and suddenly saw my 27 year old cousin. she immediately bought me sushi and sat me down then interrogated me without mercy. she now knows things about me even my own sister doesnt, which is kind of sad, but my bigger sister never bothered asking. anyway, there was some short fat guy with a moustache sitting next to us that also knows things about me most of my friends dont. so she gave me some wise advice about how people when theyre young just want to 'have fun' and fuck around and etc.
well im over having fuck, and funning around. at the time.
you know what? theres so many empty brick walls in my area. good old eastern suburbs. im going to draw something on a large piece of thin butcher paper tonight and pva it to a wall about 12 ish tonight, or maybe tommorow night. dont know who would do it with me, though.
what else?
i hate everyone.
i stole another shitload of books.
i always steal black socks, patterned stockings, candy and books. now i have alot of books and stockings. books to wear. stockings to read.
lately ive been getting into the whole t shirt thing. like t shirts with arty prints/comic strip/band t shirts. i used to wear singlets all the time but im really liking this t shirt thing.
im not missing my parents yet. i hope they have fun in europe.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
the world around us
for the last half hour or so, have just been browsing through peoples blogs.
had an argument with someone the other day about the concept of art. i was saying that art is anything produced by a human. because anything produced by a human whether it is even just a singular sentence... is so unique in its creation... in its past... in its singularity... in its utterly permanent place in time and space... becomes art... in a way, its very own masterpiece.
and i realise that this theory of mine crops up in practically all facets of my life... the way i try to emphasize with everyone. the other day walking home from school, i walked with this girl who has mild cerebal palsy. but shes still a sweet girl. and this guy who has some form of learning disability. people ignore them. they think other people actually care whether they talk to them or not. we must have looked a strange trio. they are more honest, then most people. i'm not sure what i mean... maybe because they observe others often during social interactions, rather being in the midst of it.
anyway in a way, all the blogs that i've looked at. are art in their own way. even if theyre about something as mundane as something they did last night.
sometimes i just imagine all the people in this world like ants on this sphere just wandering around lost. what are we doing here?
had an argument with someone the other day about the concept of art. i was saying that art is anything produced by a human. because anything produced by a human whether it is even just a singular sentence... is so unique in its creation... in its past... in its singularity... in its utterly permanent place in time and space... becomes art... in a way, its very own masterpiece.
and i realise that this theory of mine crops up in practically all facets of my life... the way i try to emphasize with everyone. the other day walking home from school, i walked with this girl who has mild cerebal palsy. but shes still a sweet girl. and this guy who has some form of learning disability. people ignore them. they think other people actually care whether they talk to them or not. we must have looked a strange trio. they are more honest, then most people. i'm not sure what i mean... maybe because they observe others often during social interactions, rather being in the midst of it.
anyway in a way, all the blogs that i've looked at. are art in their own way. even if theyre about something as mundane as something they did last night.
sometimes i just imagine all the people in this world like ants on this sphere just wandering around lost. what are we doing here?
lust not love
last night my cousin came over and we watched four star on sbs... it was a really shit, not funny, un romantic french film, which was described as a 'romantic comedy.' the guy was ugly, nasty, immature, manipulative and temperamental, the girl was annoying, needy, stupid and insecure and we hated them both. also, their characters kept doing things that didnt make sense with the way their personalities were established. the dialogue was inane, the plot/premise was senseless and idiotic. the ending was horribly predictable. it was an utter waste of time and space. we ended up throwing pillows at the television and analysing my love/sex life instead.
the relationships i have with boys, including that of platonic friendship, are split into three camps:
1. utterly needy and dependent, willing to sacrifice all for me, totally obsessed (my last two ex boyfriends) and also really psychotic and anti social.. i was watching this show on ABC once, and this shrink was saying we sometimes put ourselves through the same traumatic experience in order to 'fix' it the second time around, if so, this was a classic case of that.
2. guys who only want sex.
3. guys who are my friends and may want to have sex with me but whom i will never have sex with. just because i utterly hate guys like that. and i get fooled again and again.
someone said in a facebook status update the other day 'guys fuck with girls but girls know guys are fucking with them and they fuck them back without them knowing so it makes girls worse'
well i suppose girls know guys may be literally fucking them around so why wouldnt they fuck them back just in case thats all the guy wants? is it? surely not all guys are that emotionally cold. surely they want someone to mother them and need them. or is it a rejection of another maternal relationship in their life? what about guys with no mothers? how does that affect their relationships, without a core model to follow (that of your parents relationship, which you may accept as normal but later realise it is, or otherwise realise it for what it is)...?
anyway, my current confusion over the guy i am shagging goes as thus: we started as friends, then we screwed. past experience with guys ive screwed usually means theyll start being cold to me or really sleazy and constantly want to continue screwing me. this guy, whoever, is still really nice, calls or talks to me on msn quite often about regular things, etc. i really liked him at one point and wanted him to be my boyfriend, etc. then questioned the notion of open relationships... then now i just dont know. i realise he doesnt fit into any of my previous relationships with boys.
he is not needy at all, he does not appear obsessive. hes very calm and laid back. other times, i feel he is distant because he doesnt ever pour out his heart or sound insecure. ever. my cousin pointed out he may just be shy. im too shy to ask the usual bold questions that i do. if i could ask him anything i wanted, i would ask him how he really felt about me, and what i meant to him. i dont want him to say the world and everything and be with me forever. but at least, i dont know, feel some sort of similar confusion. or care about me. it makes me want to be utterly nasty to him to see if he still wants to talk to be. or is he only being nice for sex? but i want sex too, so its confusing. i really dont know.
but last night, i had this dream. i dreamt we were at a party, and i was following him around, and he was ignoring me. he finally turned around and yelled at me 'what dyou want? i dont want you anymore! fuck off! cant you read?' and he pointed at his t shirt. on the side, there was a profile of two girls, the two girls he was currently shagging. i understood that i was no longer on his shirt. it summarised their interests and had their picture as well. i was disgusted with the way he seemed to like collecting art-fag like girls to fuck then throw away once he got sick of it. on the other side of the t shirt, there was his number and a rude paragraph saying 'i only want sex so if thats all you want, call this number.' and then the slogan 'lust, not love.' and then it said 'fuck off' and i knew the fuck off was for me. he glared at me and walked off, but i followed him some more. i saw him hook up with another girl.
then my dream changed and i was at school. my teachers were telling me i was going to get C's. i was crying.
at school i haven't got anything lower then an A this year.
its 1pm now. im seeing a friend at 2pm.
i still have to study for a bit.
over and out.
the relationships i have with boys, including that of platonic friendship, are split into three camps:
1. utterly needy and dependent, willing to sacrifice all for me, totally obsessed (my last two ex boyfriends) and also really psychotic and anti social.. i was watching this show on ABC once, and this shrink was saying we sometimes put ourselves through the same traumatic experience in order to 'fix' it the second time around, if so, this was a classic case of that.
2. guys who only want sex.
3. guys who are my friends and may want to have sex with me but whom i will never have sex with. just because i utterly hate guys like that. and i get fooled again and again.
someone said in a facebook status update the other day 'guys fuck with girls but girls know guys are fucking with them and they fuck them back without them knowing so it makes girls worse'
well i suppose girls know guys may be literally fucking them around so why wouldnt they fuck them back just in case thats all the guy wants? is it? surely not all guys are that emotionally cold. surely they want someone to mother them and need them. or is it a rejection of another maternal relationship in their life? what about guys with no mothers? how does that affect their relationships, without a core model to follow (that of your parents relationship, which you may accept as normal but later realise it is, or otherwise realise it for what it is)...?
anyway, my current confusion over the guy i am shagging goes as thus: we started as friends, then we screwed. past experience with guys ive screwed usually means theyll start being cold to me or really sleazy and constantly want to continue screwing me. this guy, whoever, is still really nice, calls or talks to me on msn quite often about regular things, etc. i really liked him at one point and wanted him to be my boyfriend, etc. then questioned the notion of open relationships... then now i just dont know. i realise he doesnt fit into any of my previous relationships with boys.
he is not needy at all, he does not appear obsessive. hes very calm and laid back. other times, i feel he is distant because he doesnt ever pour out his heart or sound insecure. ever. my cousin pointed out he may just be shy. im too shy to ask the usual bold questions that i do. if i could ask him anything i wanted, i would ask him how he really felt about me, and what i meant to him. i dont want him to say the world and everything and be with me forever. but at least, i dont know, feel some sort of similar confusion. or care about me. it makes me want to be utterly nasty to him to see if he still wants to talk to be. or is he only being nice for sex? but i want sex too, so its confusing. i really dont know.
but last night, i had this dream. i dreamt we were at a party, and i was following him around, and he was ignoring me. he finally turned around and yelled at me 'what dyou want? i dont want you anymore! fuck off! cant you read?' and he pointed at his t shirt. on the side, there was a profile of two girls, the two girls he was currently shagging. i understood that i was no longer on his shirt. it summarised their interests and had their picture as well. i was disgusted with the way he seemed to like collecting art-fag like girls to fuck then throw away once he got sick of it. on the other side of the t shirt, there was his number and a rude paragraph saying 'i only want sex so if thats all you want, call this number.' and then the slogan 'lust, not love.' and then it said 'fuck off' and i knew the fuck off was for me. he glared at me and walked off, but i followed him some more. i saw him hook up with another girl.
then my dream changed and i was at school. my teachers were telling me i was going to get C's. i was crying.
at school i haven't got anything lower then an A this year.
its 1pm now. im seeing a friend at 2pm.
i still have to study for a bit.
over and out.
Friday, May 1, 2009
msn
[some alleyway somewhere with my camera sometime.]
the role of msn in my life.
i hate it alot sometimes, because its flashing away on my toolbar just to get some inane, generic greeting like like hey hey how are you good how are you good what you been up to nothing much you yeah i admit ive been guilty of doing that. break out of the cycle. this guy i talk to never ceases to amaze me with the intruiging shit he spouts on msn. when he flashes i dont mind.
another thing - people who feel the urge to say '??' or 'you there???' when you obviously havent replied yet, as if them saying this will make you answer faster...?
id like to share his strangeness with you:
(11:14 PM) -: yeah opinions are assholes because no one likes someone else's but everybody has one (11:25 PM) -: accordign to my friend, when he touches his nipple he gets nostalgic (11:26 PM) -: HE TOUCHES HIS NIPPLE BECAUSE HE IS A STRANGE GUY (11:26 PM) -: he said that it reminds him of russia in the summertime (11:26 PM) -: and i'm like (11:27 PM) -: there is no summertime in russia (11:00 PM) -: fuck that's so gay (11:01 PM) -: because like (11:01 PM) -: men (11:01 PM) -: hooking up with men is so gay (11:01 PM) -: because (11:01 PM) -: when guys hook up they usually have gay sex (11:01 PM) -: and gay sex is gay (11:01 PM) -: so it's gay. (11:02 PM) -: <3> (11:02 PM) -: f (11:04 PM) -: sometimes i think they just put penises in their mouths (11:04 PM) -: because (11:05 PM) -: sounds healthier (11:09 PM) -: penetration is beautiful only if one does not have to view it under an electron microscope (9:49 PM) -: by my youth i mean the time when people really go out and collect friends of the opposite gender straight after learning properly about sex and orgasmo for the first time (9:49 PM) -: i was playing it cool. only talked to one girl. (9:49 PM) -: so (9:49 PM) -: i don't know how to domesticate women on harry potter (4:20 PM) -: not some rabid wizard guy who all of a sudden gives a little boy a scar on his head and becomes 'brave' and shit. on his...? (11:25 PM) -: a little short of 5 inches. (11:25 PM) -: yeah it does (11:25 PM) -: it's a tad short (11:25 PM) -: pretty short (11:25 PM) -: but (11:25 PM) -: dating a slut is probably not my thing. (11:25 PM) -: a nymph is okay (11:26 PM) -: nympho (11:26 PM) -: but i guess nymphs who like (11:26 PM) -: undersized penises are rare (11:27 PM) -: but i guess i could do anal better than an 8 incher (11:27 PM) -: but the thought of it (11:27 PM) -: kind of (11:27 PM) -: urgh
??
(12:05 AM) -: sex on the beach on the rocks. (12:05 AM) -: no, i haven't actually. (12:05 AM) -: it sounds great. (12:05 AM) -: i should ask the girl i'm in deep for to make some (12:05 AM) -: and i'll eat her (12:05 AM) -: finger (12:05 AM) -: and (12:05 AM) -: watch her bleed (12:06 AM) -: her sacred blood (12:06 AM) -: mmm (12:06 AM) -: and then when i die i'll cremate myself with her (12:06 AM) -: well i guess i'll request it (12:06 AM) -: i love avacado with condensed milk though (12:06 AM) -: great stuff (12:06 AM) -: but yeah, diluting it is good
ahhh, the boy makes me laff.
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