lust not love

last night my cousin came over and we watched four star on sbs... it was a really shit, not funny, un romantic french film, which was described as a 'romantic comedy.' the guy was ugly, nasty, immature, manipulative and temperamental, the girl was annoying, needy, stupid and insecure and we hated them both. also, their characters kept doing things that didnt make sense with the way their personalities were established. the dialogue was inane, the plot/premise was senseless and idiotic. the ending was horribly predictable. it was an utter waste of time and space. we ended up throwing pillows at the television and analysing my love/sex life instead.
the relationships i have with boys, including that of platonic friendship, are split into three camps:
1. utterly needy and dependent, willing to sacrifice all for me, totally obsessed (my last two ex boyfriends) and also really psychotic and anti social.. i was watching this show on ABC once, and this shrink was saying we sometimes put ourselves through the same traumatic experience in order to 'fix' it the second time around, if so, this was a classic case of that.
2. guys who only want sex.
3. guys who are my friends and may want to have sex with me but whom i will never have sex with. just because i utterly hate guys like that. and i get fooled again and again.
someone said in a facebook status update the other day 'guys fuck with girls but girls know guys are fucking with them and they fuck them back without them knowing so it makes girls worse'
well i suppose girls know guys may be literally fucking them around so why wouldnt they fuck them back just in case thats all the guy wants? is it? surely not all guys are that emotionally cold. surely they want someone to mother them and need them. or is it a rejection of another maternal relationship in their life? what about guys with no mothers? how does that affect their relationships, without a core model to follow (that of your parents relationship, which you may accept as normal but later realise it is, or otherwise realise it for what it is)...?

anyway, my current confusion over the guy i am shagging goes as thus: we started as friends, then we screwed. past experience with guys ive screwed usually means theyll start being cold to me or really sleazy and constantly want to continue screwing me. this guy, whoever, is still really nice, calls or talks to me on msn quite often about regular things, etc. i really liked him at one point and wanted him to be my boyfriend, etc. then questioned the notion of open relationships... then now i just dont know. i realise he doesnt fit into any of my previous relationships with boys.
he is not needy at all, he does not appear obsessive. hes very calm and laid back. other times, i feel he is distant because he doesnt ever pour out his heart or sound insecure. ever. my cousin pointed out he may just be shy. im too shy to ask the usual bold questions that i do. if i could ask him anything i wanted, i would ask him how he really felt about me, and what i meant to him. i dont want him to say the world and everything and be with me forever. but at least, i dont know, feel some sort of similar confusion. or care about me. it makes me want to be utterly nasty to him to see if he still wants to talk to be. or is he only being nice for sex? but i want sex too, so its confusing. i really dont know.

but last night, i had this dream. i dreamt we were at a party, and i was following him around, and he was ignoring me. he finally turned around and yelled at me 'what dyou want? i dont want you anymore! fuck off! cant you read?' and he pointed at his t shirt. on the side, there was a profile of two girls, the two girls he was currently shagging. i understood that i was no longer on his shirt. it summarised their interests and had their picture as well. i was disgusted with the way he seemed to like collecting art-fag like girls to fuck then throw away once he got sick of it. on the other side of the t shirt, there was his number and a rude paragraph saying 'i only want sex so if thats all you want, call this number.' and then the slogan 'lust, not love.' and then it said 'fuck off' and i knew the fuck off was for me. he glared at me and walked off, but i followed him some more. i saw him hook up with another girl.
then my dream changed and i was at school. my teachers were telling me i was going to get C's. i was crying.
at school i haven't got anything lower then an A this year.
its 1pm now. im seeing a friend at 2pm.
i still have to study for a bit.
over and out.